MEMBERS ONLY: The First Rule Of White Club – Never Talk About White Club

I belong to a secret club. This club gives me special privileges and perks. I’m allowed to breeze through doors that others aren’t even allowed to walk up to. I can do things that would make the jaws drop on those who don’t belong to my club. Everyone knows about this secret club. No one is allowed to speak about it. Welcome to White Club.

The membership of White Club is very exclusive. Not just anyone can get in. We’re very particular about our members. You have to be white. But not just white, the right kind of white. We didn’t use to let in Italians or the Germans (which is pretty darn ironic). And we really didn’t like the Irish which was weird considering they’re so damn pale they’re usually the whitest ones in the group! But we got over that and now they’re full-fledged members of the club. We currently don’t let Jews in but that’s only if we can tell that they’re Jewish. Otherwise, eh, whatever. As long as they look OK and don’t wear those stupid little hats.

Among the perks of being in White Club is that you can walk wherever you want, whenever you want, and no one ever asks you if you belong there. Cops never give you a second glance and store owners treat you like you’re invisible unless you look like you have money. Then they’re your best friend. This is because white is the default setting in America. You know how in scifi movies all the aliens on other planets always seem to speak English? That’s what being in White Club is like. Everyone speaks your language so you never stand out.

This starts all the way back in school. When you’re in White Club, you can do all sorts of stuff that would get other kids kicked out of school. But when you’re a member, you get a pat on the head and a “Boys will be boys” speech and off you go! It’s amazing! Little Timmy gets into a fight with little Lamar but only Lamar gets slammed to the ground by the school’s police officer. Little Timmy gets to disappear into the background like he was never there. That’s why members of White Club are four times less likely to be suspended and half as likely to be expelled. Best of all, the benefits of being in White Club start as early as preschool!

That kind of immunity follows you your entire life which is why so few of us, relatively speaking, get sent to jail for drug use even though so many more of us use drugs! Membership hath its privileges! Hell, when white communities started to have a real problem with opioids, America, the world leader in locking up people for drug crimes, suddenly changed its entire attitude about drugs. Suddenly drug addicts were “victims” instead of “criminals.” Thank you, White Club!

But that’s not all, folks! When you’re part of White Club, you get to break all kinds of laws and get away with it. Looting? Nah. That’s foraging. Rioting? No way! That’s just youthful exuberance! Rape? Come on! No big deal! Heck, kill a church full of black people and the police will, I kid you not, buy you Burger King while you’re sitting in the police station! Seriously. That happened because of White Club!

There’s even a Ladies Auxiliary to White Club! While women don’t get as many perks and privileges as the men, they do get some. They don’t get paid as much as the men but they get paid more than other women. That’s pretty cool. And they definitely don’t get harassed in stores nearly as much. Even better! You can be a white woman with 8 kids on welfare and no one will ever call you a “welfare queen!” White Club is awesome! Sure it’s better when you’re a guy but, hey, nobody’s perfect. Except the members of White Club, of course.

That’s the best part about being in White Club: You never have to say you’re sorry. Ever! Why? Because it’s never you’re fault! You didn’t rape that girl, she was asking for it! You didn’t bully that gay kid into suicide, he was just a freak! You’re not the father of that baby, the mom’s a slut! You didn’t lose your job because you elected Republicans who made it easier for factories to move overseas, it was because of immigrants! You didn’t get fired from your new job because you got caught on camera screaming racial slurs, it was Antifa’s fault! You didn’t lose your retirement savings because of the GOP’s bank deregulations, it was because of Obama’s bank bailout or something!

Being in White Club means that you’re never wrong no matter how many mistakes you make. You have an endless supply of scapegoats to blame for everything that’s wrong in your life. Best of all, since the members of White Club hold most of the wealth and political power, you can punish those people to make yourself feel better! It’s been that way in America for centuries!

Unfortunately, more and more people are starting to break the first rule of White Club: You do not talk about White Club. And that’s a problem. White Club only works if people pretend it doesn’t exist. If everyone talks about White Club, they’ll start demanding membership and that would be awful! If everyone got all the perks and privileges of White Club, then they stop beings perks and privileges. The members of White Club stop being special and, dammit!, that’s just not fair!

Maybe we’ll elect a mentally impaired psychopath as president. We can call it “Operation Mayhem” and try to burn it all down. Better that then letting just anyone into White Club.