There’s one human being on this planet who I’d like to see locked up in federal prison more than Donald Trump. It turns out, the orange doesn’t fall far from the orange tree. Specifically, Donald Trump Junior is someone who is both repulsive and dangerous — perhaps more dangerous than his addled father — and that’s only partly why I’m eagerly anticipating every delicious news item pushing Junior closer and closer to the slammer.
In fact, I’ve made it a bit of a hobby trolling Junior on Twitter about being locked up. No matter what he tweets, I make an effort to reply by mentioning federal prison somehow. For example, on Wednesday, Junior tweeted an article discussing how Ford moved 700 jobs back to Michigan. It turns out the article was dated January 3, 2017, during which Barack Obama was still president. Oops. My trolling reply went like so: “Check the date, Junior. Obama was president in early January 2017. Don’t worry, though, you’ll get better at dates when you’re in federal prison scratching the number of days on the wall of your cell”
Needless to say, I’m expecting to be blocked any time now, so I at least try not to go too far, but I definitely push close to that line. After all, I actually enjoy trolling Junior and I’d miss not being able to pester him regularly.
Short of actually seeing him frog-marched into prison, I’ve been fantasizing about Junior being subpoenaed to testify before one or more congressional committees. Yeah sure, he’s already testified on the Hill — a closed-door session run by Republicans. Nope, I’m talking about public, televised hearings perhaps lasting for a few days. Not only would Junior perjure himself on C-SPAN, but also bear in mind that Junior tends to accidentally blurt the truth, evidenced, for example, when he released his emails with Rob Goldstone, implicating himself in collusion at the infamous Trump Tower meeting.
It turns out, my wish might actually come true. Junior might be the first witness called to testify before the House Intelligence Committee, formerly under the control of Devin Nunes, but which is now chaired by the great Adam Schiff. The Washington Examiner brought us this scoop on Wednesday:
Rep. Jackie Speier, D-Calif., a key member of the House Intelligence Committee, asked Tuesday night about whom would be served first by the panel as it reopens the investigation, said, “Donald Trump Jr.”
There are of course several obstacles we need to clear before it all goes down. First of all, he won’t voluntarily show up. He’ll have to be subpoenaed, which case he might defy the subpoena. If he actually complies, he might be advised to exercise his Fifth Amendment right against self-incrimination. Again, Junior tends to blurt the truth. Then again, there’s always a shot that he’ll appear and he’ll talk.
And Junior likes to talk. I’d wager he’s using the same cognitive enhancers his ridiculous father is sucking down like Skittles.
So, why do I believe he’s more dangerous than his father? I’ve been considering this question for a while, and it has a lot to do with our recent history with father-and-son politicians. Some of you didn’t care for the presidency of George H.W. Bush, but we can mostly agree that it was considerably less damaging than George W. Bush’s presidency. After “W” was elected, we learned quite rapidly that he intended to jettison the “kinder, gentler” thing, replacing it with two endless wars, one of which, the war in Iraq, was a direct response to Bush Senior’s decision to leave Iraq after the liberation of Kuwait. Instead, W kept us there indefinitely and without an exit strategy.
It’s quite possible that if Junior escapes prison and ends up running for office — an option he’s entertained in the recent past — he’d refuse to repeat the mistakes of his monstrous father, making him even more dangerous based on the W precedent. When I warn about Trump copycats waltzing through the loopholes Trump himself has created, Junior’s ascendancy is first on the list.
On top of all that, my general disgust with Junior also emerges from all of those vomitous photos of him — literally endless shots of him standing over the senselessly murdered corpse of an exotic animal. No amount of mild torment I dish out on Twitter could ever fully compensate for how furious it makes me when I see that photo of him holding the severed tail of an elephant he just murdered and mutilated for no other reason than to watch this majestic animal die. It’s sociopathic behavior, as far as my unprofessional diagnosis is concerned, and so perhaps jail is the appropriate destination for a man whose moral compass is this upside-down.
Whether he’s indicted by Robert Mueller’s grand jury, or whether Speier and Schiff grill the life out of him in the House Intelligence Committee hearing room, one thing’s for sure: like Trumpism in general, Junior needs to be humiliated off the stage. The next year or so will decide his ultimate fate, and I’ll be watching very, very closely.
Photo: Associated Press