MEMBERS ONLY: The Dirty Secrets of Manhood

by Bob Cesca

This article might get me booted out of the man club, but knowing the horror stories that have been injected into the world by the latest series of all-male sexual predators, I’m not sure I want to be a member despite the fact that I’m happy with my masculinity: my two testicles, my attraction to women, my facial hair and the testosterone in my bloodstream.

The truth is that the repugnant and unforgivable misconduct of Louis CK, Roy Moore, Harvey Weinstein, and even Donald Trump himself isn’t too far outside the mainstream of typical male behavior. Consequently, as these episodes continue to be revealed, I’m both shocked and not shocked at all. Shocked, because these are brutal trespasses against human dignity, personal boundaries and, generally, the well-being of the women who fell prey to these monsters. And I’m not shocked at all because, well, I’m a man somewhere on the straight end of the spectrum and I’ve talked to thousands of other men throughout my 46 years. To quote Tyrion Lannister: “I drink and I know things.” 

Men know. We have an insight into how not-all-but-most men treat the opposite sex. Decent, honorable men who treat women fairly and appropriately are, at least in my experience, the exception. 

On the other hand, I’ve confronted innumerable men who were otherwise solid, upstanding human beings — men who were quick to friendship, family men, seemingly moral men — I’ve bumped into guys who are or who would become great leaders and innovators, thinkers and artists, geniuses and dreamers. Even these guys have been susceptible to attitudes that either manifest themselves in the forms of predatory habits of bastards like Roy Moore or Louis CK, or these anti-social tendencies seem to percolate just under the surface, ready to literally ejaculate into the world through some form of horrendousness targeted against women.

I’m not breaking any news when I report that the metaphor “If there’s grass on the field, play ball!” has been spoken by a solid majority of men I’ve met who were comfortable enough around me to be candid about their savage ideas. (Bear in mind I’m being anecdotal here.) Teen girls who are apparently old enough for sex with an adult man because these girls had physically matured enough to grow pubic hair — these girls are at the top of the list of sexual conquests for way, way too many adult men. To be clear, the “grass on the field” thing isn’t just a sick baseball reference. It’s a lifestyle. A personal goal. Simply put: a surprisingly massive number of adult men want to have sex with teen girls (as long as they’re post-pubescent). Full stop. It’s about recapturing their youth, yes, but it’s also a criminal fetish.

Unlike guys who merely fantasize about it, Roy Moore and so many others have notoriously acted upon their perverted fetish for children. To be clear, not everyone who’s spoken favorably to me about having sex with teens has actually acted on their twisted impulse (that I know of), but many have. The very act of suggesting that it’s not just acceptable, it’s fully desirable to pursue sexual contact with underage girls is ghoulish in and of itself. Acting on it is just one additional step into the darkness — darkness that’s already feeding their immorality.

It also shouldn’t come as a surprise to you that the fourth most popular category at is the “barely legal” or “teen” category. Incidentally, number three was the “amateur” category, which often includes teens, while number 10 on the list is Japanese animated “hentai” porn. If you’re aware of the latter, you know that hentai regularly involves rape fantasies, including depictions of underage “Japanese schoolgirls” in uniform being assaulted, sometimes being penetrated by freakish alien tentacles. (Full disclosure: if you’ve listened to my podcast, you’ll know I’m not opposed to porn, depending on the category, and, yes, I’ve watched my share of online porn.)

While most “teen” porn is shot using adult actors who appear younger than 18, the whole point is to vicariously experience what it’s like to have all varieties of sex with women who look too young to legally have sex with adult men. (Gay porn has its own version of this, featuring young “twinks” who appear underage.) As an entire generation of young men come of age in the era of free online porn, I shudder to imagine the attitudes they’re learning by this constant sensory bombardment of readily available porn. Along these lines, perhaps this series of women are stepping forward just at the right time.

Porn aside, I’ve seen even the most liberal men acting like sexist pigs, either directly to their girlfriends or about their sexual experiences or in view of their friends and family on social media. The list of double-standards is a lengthy one. Men who could barely do a single pull-up will routinely and privately bag on women for being a few extra pounds above a size zero. I’ve seen liberal men say the worst things in the world to women about their voices, their faces, their breasts or, yes, the odor of their vaginas. I’ve heard very liberal men complain about never receiving oral sex but who absolutely refuse to go down on their wife or girlfriend — and when they do, they complain about “getting the hook,” not realizing it’s their own fault for not listening to the desires of the women they’re trying (poorly) to please. Good lord, the Roy Moore “head push” is almost standard operating procedure for a lot of men who clearly don’t know how to ask nicely for a blow job, or how to smile and say “okay, I understand” if the answer is “no.”

Women: you’re not imagining it. In fact, too many of us are far worse than you’re giving us credit for. Even the guys you feel safe around.

Ironically, Louis CK was exactly right during one of his more recent standup specials: the biggest existential threat to women are men. When I read about sexual assaults, I’m frankly amazed it doesn’t happen more often. 

A sickeningly large percentage of men feel entitled to have as much sex as they want. I’m sure most of the hetero women reading this have overheard the pathetic gripe that they’ve left their men with an unsatisfied erection, and that it’s the woman’s responsibility alone to “give” their man an orgasm. Apparently, guys of this ilk are suffering from excruciating carpal tunnel or worse, rendering them incapable of going home and masturbating. Again, men feel entitled to be pleasured by their women, and are incapable of providing it themselves. Too often, men feel as if their career status, their money or the self-evident fact that they have a penis, is their golden ticket to every pleasure women have to offer. 

Louie thought he was getting away with something by at least keeping his distance and not (necessarily) making contact with the women he was assaulting, as if this was some sort of gray area he could safely occupy without literally raping his victims. What he didn’t understand, though, is that the very image of him masturbating was a form of assault. By doing so, he inserted his penis, his balls, and his semen into their heads without their say-so. Likewise, he failed to realize that his reputation as a popular and well-connected comedian, even 15 years ago, was a powerful form of coercion. His victims really had no choice but to acquiesce for fear of offending him. The same can be said about Harvey Weinstein, but to a much more severe and repetitive degree. Louie thought the whole thing was a win-win: he’d get off, and his perceived “admirers” would get to see a powerful man’s erect penis. Everyone’s happy, right? Wrong. No one’s happy.

For too many men, women are nothing more than a means of facilitating an orgasm, even if it means they’re just watching. After they orgasm, the facilitators are heartlessly disposed of, just a notch above the Kleenex in the bathroom trash bin. Men have a completely false sense of what women want. While, sure, plenty of women just want to have sex, men assume all women need to have a penis inside them — that they crave the sight of a dick or several dicks in their face, similar to the way men crave intercourse. 

One last note about porn, while we’re here, guys: porn is about as similar to real life as driving down the freeway is similar to a Transformers movie.

Nevertheless, men tend to misread the physical desires of women by assuming women want versions of the same things men want, whether that’s based on porn or not. While men and women have analogous organs (the penis is the analog to the clitoris, etc), we have very different hormonal chemistries and different environmental influences. Sadly, men are hesitant to talk about sex with their female partner(s) for fear of seeming, I don’t know, obvious? Inexperienced? 

Men and women can more healthily coexist if we finally begin to talk to each other, specifically about sexuality-related emotions, desires, and needs. It really doesn’t hurt anyone for a man to ask his girlfriend or wife — or boyfriend for that matter — about what sorts of pleasure she enjoys most. The male ego, however, tends to be too easily bruised so that any advice (a little to the right, a little less grinding, and so forth) is an attack upon his masculinity. This leads to deeply unhealthy attitudes and awkward experiences that could easily manifest in rage-gasms and assaults. All because some men don’t know how to talk about sex or how to ask nicely. Men and women alike would be shocked to discover how liberating it is to have an open dialogue about sex — about adult play. It’s simply a matter of talking.

We won’t even begin to discuss the whole tragedy of penis issues and how dissatisfaction or overconfidence in one’s size can spark all kinds of awfulness. All told, men have a lot of catching up to do, even the good men. Thousands of years of female subjugation has come to an end. Consequently, old habits and antiquated notions about sexuality have to end, too, regardless of what our parents and idiot buddies have taught us about sex. Given the history of civilization, and everything I’ve revealed here, men have the most work to do.