MEMBERS ONLY: Chocolate Cake and Cruise Missiles: Trump Is Going to Kill Us All

by Bob Cesca

Wednesday was a more harrowing day than most in Trumpworld. There’s a meme going around based on an SNL spoof of the Christmas rom-com “Love, Actually” in which Kate McKinnon as Hillary Clinton knocks on a voter’s door and holds up a series of handwritten signs, the most desperate of which reads: “He’s going to kill us all” — “he” meaning Trump.

There are brief periods of time in which I begin to settle down, encouraged by a fleeting sense of safety and security. But those times are growing shorter and shorter as the Trump crisis rolls onward into breathtaking destabilization and, eventually, chaos. And if you’ve read my work or listened to my podcasts recently, you’re probably aware of my prediction about how we might see an atomic mushroom cloud sometime during Trump’s presidency. 

Wednesday, it turned out, was one of those days when I thought for sure he’s going to kill us all.

The day began with newly released video of Trump being interviewed by Fox Business Channel’s Maria Bartiromo — the former CNBC host who my friend Chez Pazienza once compared to Lando Calrissian’s co-pilot in “Return of the Jedi.” It’s difficult to pin down the worst quotes of the batch, but here’s a selection of most horrendous things to roll out of Trump’s toothy orange yapper.

Trump is fascinated by wires:

TRUMP: We’re talking about surveillance. It was wiretapped in quotes. “The New York Times” said the word wiretapped in the headline of the first edition. Then they took it out of there fast when they realized. But I put wiretapped in quotes, meaning, because, look, wiretapping is an old-fashioned…


TRUMP: — there are too many wires anymore, right?


TRUMP: You don’t have a lot of wires. Look at this room. This room used to have a lot of wires. Now it doesn’t have so many wires.

Is it me, or is it common knowledge that wiretapping most often takes place merely by digitally monitoring phone calls or digitally collecting emails and texts via central servers and ISPs? Occasionally, the NSA will tap into underwater cables, but no one other than Trump believes federal agents might be dangling from the telephone pole outside Trump Tower with tiny wiretap kits linked the cables emerging from the building. Nevertheless, grandpa here seems to think the room in the White House where the interview took place was once festooned with wires. 

Okeedokee. None of this makes sense.

Trump’s beautiful chocolate cake and bombing Syria with President Xi of China:

TRUMP: I was sitting at the table. We had finished dinner. We’re now having dessert. And we had the most beautiful piece of chocolate cake that you’ve ever seen and President Xi was enjoying it. And I was given the message from the generals that the ships are locked and loaded, what do you do? And we made a determination to do it, so the missiles were on the way. And I said, Mr. President, let me explain something to you. This was during dessert. We’ve just fired 59 missiles, all of which hit, by the way, unbelievable, from, you know, hundreds of miles away, all of which hit, amazing.

BARTIROMO: Unmanned? Brilliant.

For some reason, while discussing a missile attack that could’ve touched off a World War and which also killed seven Syrian civilians including four children, Trump decided to describe the quality of the chocolate cake at Mar-a-lago. This is clearly a delusional monster without any sense of compassion, empathy or dignity. Chocolate cake? He just bombed Syria — but the chocolate cake was delicious!

And what the hell did Nien Nunb say? Unmanned? Does she seriously believe some of our cruise missiles are flown by pilots? What? And is the fact that these missiles were “unmanned” somehow a “brilliant” choice by this doofus-in-chief?

Goddamn, these people are going to kill us all.

Trump is amazed by cruise missile technology but forgets who he just bombed:

TRUMP: It’s so incredible. It’s brilliant. It’s genius. Our technology, our equipment, is better than anybody by a factor of five. I mean look, we have, in terms of technology, nobody can even come close to competing. Now we’re going to start getting it, because, you know, the military has been cut back and depleted so badly by the past administration and by the war in Iraq, which was another disaster. So what happens is I said we’ve just launched 59 missiles heading to Iraq and I wanted you to know this. And he was eating his cake. And he was silent.


TRUMP: Yes. Heading toward Syria.

No, we’ve been using cruise missiles to attack from a safe distance for decades now. How is this “incredible” and “brilliant”? I also like how Trump corrected himself on the quality of the military. After emphasizing how our Tomahawks are five times more technologically advanced than anyone else’s missiles, and yet our military is a shit hole thanks to Obama.

And, yeah, he said we bombed Iraq last week and had to be corrected by an interviewer who, seconds earlier, implied that at least some of our cruise missiles have human pilots.

While we were coming to grips with the reality that this decaying cocaine gnome is actually the commander-in-chief of the most powerful army ever to walk the earth, an armada of U.S. Navy war vessels was steaming toward North Korea. In response, North Korea issued yet another threat — warning that it’ll attack the U.S. mainland with nuclear weapons. It’s a long shot whether they can hit us at that distance, but they don’t need to. All they need to do is to pop one off in Seoul or one of our Pacific bases or, hell, they could easily hit the U.S. war ships that are on their way as we speak.

Trump is actively baiting them to do it. Here’s what he told Bartiromo: “We are sending an armada, very powerful. And we have the best military people on Earth. And I will say this. He is doing the wrong thing. He is doing the wrong thing.” 

This unapologetic dipshit has signaled to the world that he intends on taking military action against North Korea for the first time since the 1950s, while North Korea may or may not have the capacity to hit us — preemptively or otherwise — using one or more nuclear weapons. Furthermore, based on his remarks, we know that Trump is nukes curious, so perhaps he’s reaching for an opportunity to flex his newly acquired military muscle.

Speaking of which, Trump likely feels empowered to exercise his commander-in-chief powers. And why is this? It could be because the entire television news media orgasmed over the video footage of the Tomahawk footage from last week, while also effusively praising Trump and his “presidential” stature.

He’s going to kill us all.

Hang on tight, everyone.